And they brought the boy to him. When the spirit saw him, immediately it threw the boy into convulsions, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the father, ‘How long has this been happening to him?’ And he said, ‘From childhood. It has often cast him into the fire and into the water, to destroy him; but if you are able to do anything, have pity on us and help us.’ Jesus said to him, ‘If you are able!—All things can be done for the one who believes.’ Immediately the father of the child cried out, 'I believe; help my unbelief!’ (Mark 9: 20-24)

We believe, yet do not. We are sure, yet are not. We are - often - double-minded. The boy's father was acutely aware of this inner turmoil.

I have been blessed. I have received God's love and protection. I know this is true. Yet I fear this conclusion. In fear, I suspend my belief.

The belief that God has intervened specifically and personally is profoundly threatening. I have not earned this blessing. To accept it fully would be to give away my sense of control.

I know this sense of control is an illusion. But it can be such a comforting illusion, except when it evaporates and my flimsy self-created reality dissolves with it.

In desperation my belief/unbelief is resolved. With the fog of illusion gone I am left face-to-face with ultimate reality. It is bright. It can burn. It is entirely beyond my understanding. But with it - perhaps in it - I am whole.

Above is Path of Life III by Muritis Cornelis Escher.